crazy

I think I am going crazy. I don't know why, but I just think I am.
I wrote letters to you when I was away. I wrote them because I missed you so much and my heart ached from not talking to you. I was afraid that you had found someone else to replace me. When I got home though, I saw you immeadiately. It was amazing to see you again, it didn't matter what we did just that I was with you. You left me again though, said it was only going to be for 2-3 days. Now, its been more than that. I haven't talked to you in awhile. I decided that I would refuse to initiate conversations with you until you initiate one first conversation. You are supposed to be coming home today but I haven't heard from you. Maybe you are already home, maybe you changed the day that you will be home again. I try to pretend that I don't care that you aren't trying and wanting to talk to me and that I'm fine without you but I know that isn't true. Part of me feels like we are no longer together, someone just forgot to inform me. Please just can we be back to how we were before we went away at the beginning of the summer. I want to talk to you so badly. I want to have a conversation with you, and you know that. Hopefully you will let me know when you get home and we can talk. We can talk about us, you and me together. I hope that I'm given that chance and that I haven't lost every hope I could ever have with you.

wish

I am so alone. I feel like the world is moving and I am no longer a part of it. I just want someone to care so badly. No one cares, no one will ever care. I try to take my mind off of you but it never works, you constantly come back into my head.
I wish you still cared.
I wish it that it hasn't been 19 days since we have said any words to each other.
I wish you would wrap your arms around me again and tell me that you love me.
No matter what I wish, it will not come true.
These other guys mean nothing to me. I just make myself think that they do so that I will not think about you.
Everything leads to sadness. Every smile, every laugh, they all bring me back. Back to this cold dark world where no one can hear your screams.
I wish someone would take me seriously.
I wish someone would care.

wow

I haven't written on this blog in a really long time. I just found it and realized how badly I need someone in the world to talk to. I feel like I have lost absolutely everyone that I have ever had.
I feel alone.
I feel unlovable.
I feel upset.
Sometimes I think that if I died tomorrow, no one would even notice, let alone care. At least before, people pretended to care about my life. Even fakeness feels better than nothing. As I sit here and consider what I actually have left in the world, it just doesn't feel worth it anymore.
I wish I had someone to confide in. About how much I hate myself. About how I'm ugly and fat. About how the only person that I have loved in the entire world just decided that "things changed" and left me. About how everytime I am home alone, I stare at the wall and cry. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth it living in a world where I have nothing. Why take up my parents money and time anymore? I am pitiful.
I just wish there was something in the world that would prove me wrong. Someone that would tell me that I really am worth it. And I want them to mean it. I don't want fakeness, I don't want anyone pretending to like me. I know they don't like me. I know how alone I am. I just want someone to care enough about me that they would want to help me.
And you, you don't even know how badly you hurt me. I used to be happy, I used to like life. I don't regret you, not for a minute, I just wish that you still loved me. I wish for that everyday, for you to change your mind. I know it will never happen.
No one will ever read this, no one would even care.

I miss happiness. So badly.