crazy

I think I am going crazy. I don't know why, but I just think I am.
I wrote letters to you when I was away. I wrote them because I missed you so much and my heart ached from not talking to you. I was afraid that you had found someone else to replace me. When I got home though, I saw you immeadiately. It was amazing to see you again, it didn't matter what we did just that I was with you. You left me again though, said it was only going to be for 2-3 days. Now, its been more than that. I haven't talked to you in awhile. I decided that I would refuse to initiate conversations with you until you initiate one first conversation. You are supposed to be coming home today but I haven't heard from you. Maybe you are already home, maybe you changed the day that you will be home again. I try to pretend that I don't care that you aren't trying and wanting to talk to me and that I'm fine without you but I know that isn't true. Part of me feels like we are no longer together, someone just forgot to inform me. Please just can we be back to how we were before we went away at the beginning of the summer. I want to talk to you so badly. I want to have a conversation with you, and you know that. Hopefully you will let me know when you get home and we can talk. We can talk about us, you and me together. I hope that I'm given that chance and that I haven't lost every hope I could ever have with you.

wish

I am so alone. I feel like the world is moving and I am no longer a part of it. I just want someone to care so badly. No one cares, no one will ever care. I try to take my mind off of you but it never works, you constantly come back into my head.
I wish you still cared.
I wish it that it hasn't been 19 days since we have said any words to each other.
I wish you would wrap your arms around me again and tell me that you love me.
No matter what I wish, it will not come true.
These other guys mean nothing to me. I just make myself think that they do so that I will not think about you.
Everything leads to sadness. Every smile, every laugh, they all bring me back. Back to this cold dark world where no one can hear your screams.
I wish someone would take me seriously.
I wish someone would care.

wow

I haven't written on this blog in a really long time. I just found it and realized how badly I need someone in the world to talk to. I feel like I have lost absolutely everyone that I have ever had.
I feel alone.
I feel unlovable.
I feel upset.
Sometimes I think that if I died tomorrow, no one would even notice, let alone care. At least before, people pretended to care about my life. Even fakeness feels better than nothing. As I sit here and consider what I actually have left in the world, it just doesn't feel worth it anymore.
I wish I had someone to confide in. About how much I hate myself. About how I'm ugly and fat. About how the only person that I have loved in the entire world just decided that "things changed" and left me. About how everytime I am home alone, I stare at the wall and cry. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth it living in a world where I have nothing. Why take up my parents money and time anymore? I am pitiful.
I just wish there was something in the world that would prove me wrong. Someone that would tell me that I really am worth it. And I want them to mean it. I don't want fakeness, I don't want anyone pretending to like me. I know they don't like me. I know how alone I am. I just want someone to care enough about me that they would want to help me.
And you, you don't even know how badly you hurt me. I used to be happy, I used to like life. I don't regret you, not for a minute, I just wish that you still loved me. I wish for that everyday, for you to change your mind. I know it will never happen.
No one will ever read this, no one would even care.

I miss happiness. So badly.

sometimes i feel

sometimes i feel like I'm not good enough to have a guy truly like me. I'm having that kind of mood right now. It's almost summer, I don't expect anything right now. I just really wish it wasnt like that. I want a guy to truly like me that I like too. People say you cant recieve love from others until you love yourself. Well I need the love from others before I can learn to love myself.
Oh man I just want someone to just say they like me, someone that I like or could very possibly like.

am i

am i made for no one to love me? is that how its supposed to be? because honestly i feel that way so much right now. i was told yesterday by my friend that i need the stability of a real relationship with a guy, not just a hookup or whatever like i usually have. i feel like that would really help me to become a happier person. whenever i have those random like hookups im always upset because im like blaaah they dont like me they are just using me and stuff. maybe if i actually had a relationship i would be more like put together and stop being such a mess all the time.
i also realized that i have always been embarrassed of guys that i like because i always feel like everyone around me is judging me based on the guy. i just need to stop caring what people think because if i like them that should be enough for everyone else. i feel like if i had known that like last year my life would have been so much easier im actually like angry at myself for not having figured this out.
i think that im just gonna try to find a guy that really cares about me, even though that might be hard because im obviously not very lovable. well its summer and maybe thats a time for romance, maybe not but i never know.
i just want a guy to truly like me and me like him and have him not use me and for us to be happy together. yeah maybe thats a lot to ask for but maybe, just maybe, it can actually happen to me.

everythings different

This weekend I went to cape may with my family and all of their friends. My mom broke her elbow. And not just like a little break either, like she smashed her elbow. She doesn't have the bump on her elbow anymore, it was smashed into a billion pieces. I feel so badly for her, I really hope shes okay. This just means that she can't work for a couple of months because her job is very hands on. The problem is that she is self employed so she doesnt even get money from the government when she isnt working. I'm really scared that my family isnt going to have enough money to survive. Yeah, I work but I feel like that isn't enough to really help out my family. My birthday is in less than a month, 28 days to be exact, but I'm not expecting anything for it. I know I'm not going to get a party or any presents or anything but thats just how it is going to have to be. I know my family isn't rich and I need to be the least selfish person right now and just try to help out. I just hope that everything will be okay and that her surgery goes well. She hasn't even gotten an appointment yet, I just want everything to be okay again.

so much better!

Okay, so I went to this landmark creating happiness thing last night. It was amazing! It honestly helped me so much with putting my life into proportion it is incredible! I feel so stupid though because I just like burst out into tears in the middle of it. I realized that throughout the last year or whatever I have been putting my idea of happiness on the idea that my dad had to think I was amazing. If he didn't totally love me and think I was perfect than that meant that I wasn't good enough. I had such crazy expectations for myself that I could never truly be happy and that was so bad for me! Now that I understand this I feel like I'm on the way to truly being happy. I feel so much more calm and less tense and it feels great! I am so happy right now =)