everythings different

This weekend I went to cape may with my family and all of their friends. My mom broke her elbow. And not just like a little break either, like she smashed her elbow. She doesn't have the bump on her elbow anymore, it was smashed into a billion pieces. I feel so badly for her, I really hope shes okay. This just means that she can't work for a couple of months because her job is very hands on. The problem is that she is self employed so she doesnt even get money from the government when she isnt working. I'm really scared that my family isnt going to have enough money to survive. Yeah, I work but I feel like that isn't enough to really help out my family. My birthday is in less than a month, 28 days to be exact, but I'm not expecting anything for it. I know I'm not going to get a party or any presents or anything but thats just how it is going to have to be. I know my family isn't rich and I need to be the least selfish person right now and just try to help out. I just hope that everything will be okay and that her surgery goes well. She hasn't even gotten an appointment yet, I just want everything to be okay again.

so much better!

Okay, so I went to this landmark creating happiness thing last night. It was amazing! It honestly helped me so much with putting my life into proportion it is incredible! I feel so stupid though because I just like burst out into tears in the middle of it. I realized that throughout the last year or whatever I have been putting my idea of happiness on the idea that my dad had to think I was amazing. If he didn't totally love me and think I was perfect than that meant that I wasn't good enough. I had such crazy expectations for myself that I could never truly be happy and that was so bad for me! Now that I understand this I feel like I'm on the way to truly being happy. I feel so much more calm and less tense and it feels great! I am so happy right now =)

im tired

I'm so exhausted, I don't think that I get enough sleep. Maybe I'll try to go to sleep early tonight and not to think about all of my annoying habits/ problems.
Gah I'm tired of like my life. I feel like I complain too much about my problems to people in person so I guess I'll just keep saying my problems here since I know that probably no one reads this anyway. It is weird that I feel like I trust a computer where anyone could be reading this even though no one is over a lot of people in my life. I keep saying this but I really wish I knew who I could trust. I really wish I had that one best friend (or 2) like everyone else has. Everyone has someone that they can trust everything with, the person they have know forever in some of my friends cases or just people that are practically their sister or other half. I don't have anyone like that. I'm not saying I don't have friends, sometimes I say that but I know that I at least have a couple of those, even though there aren't many. I'm just saying that I don't have those 1 or 2 best friends that I know will always be there if I need someone to hang out with or someone to talk to. I'm not saying my friends aren't good, I love them, I just feel like I'm missing something. It is too late to find someone like that now though, everyone has their best friends and I feel like part of me got left out.
And I feel like everyone has a guy, that is either like in love with them or that the 2 people like each other. I want that so badly but I have a feeling that will never again happen with me. My friends tell me that I can pretty much not move on until I get over him but I have a feeling that isn't just gonna happen in like a second. I hold on to things, sometimes too tight, because I'm afraid that things will fall away from me. I'm afraid that everyone will leave me and that I will wind up alone. I will be without anyone to truly care about me and that's what I am so afraid about for my life.
WHY DO I KEEP GETTING IN THESE MOODS?! I didn't used to get so upset all the time but for some reason this keeps happening now!

not meant to be happy?

Maybe I'm not meant to be happy? Is that the problem? Is there another reason why I can never truly be happy anymore. I finally find myself starting to get over my problems, at least for a couple of minutes a day which is pretty much all I can get anymore. I finally start to try to ignore my constant feelings about myself being extremely fat and ugly and then of course my dad has to say something. This time it was just that I am starting to gain more weight and I should eat less and lose that weight. I was really upset but I just went along with my night activities. About an hour later I confronted him about it and said how much it hurt me and how unnecessary it really was. He was like I THINK I HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU IF YOU ARE GAINING LIKE 5 POUNDS WITHOUT YOU TELLING ME TO SAY IT. It hurts so badly right now and all I really want is for him to really truly have something nice to say to me. I don't even know why I am telling the computer about this anyway, it isn't like anyone cares enough to actually read this. I guess I just need to get my feelings out somehow.

don't know anymore

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I cut my hair off trying to rid myself of this sadness I have about myself and him and whatever else but something isn't working. I feel like I'm okay one second and then 5 minutes later I feel like I'm about to just break down. I can't figure out whats wrong with me anymore! Everyone is saying that it is gonna be okay but part of me doesnt feel like it is. I don't even think I can get a guy anymore. No guy would be dumb enough to try to be with me or anything of the sort. I just want a truly nice, cute guy that likes me for who I am and nothing else. I love my friends so much right now. They were amazing this weekend and I wanna thank them for that so much. I feel like when I'm with a friend or have someone to talk to I'm not usually that upset. It is just when they leave and I'm alone or have nothing to do that I really start to think about my life and realize how upset I am. Why can't life just be easy? I just truly want that. I really want someone to talk to but I feel like I bother people even though they say they are always there for me I just feel badly trying to talk to them about my same redundant problems.

Right now I'm just sitting here listening to With Arms Outstretched by Rilo Kiley. I love this song so much but it honestly makes me so sad. I'm just trying to keep myself from crying but it is so hard to do.

thank you

I have been really upset for the past week and have not really been able to find something good about my life... yeah I know that sounds extremely depressing but there was honestly nothing I could do about it.
My friends have been really good about trying to make me feel better and I honestly want to thank them all for that so much. Even though they are probably not reading this right now I really just want to thank them for being amazing.
There is someone that I honestly want to thank so much. I was really upset tonight and then someone im's me and makes me feel better. This is someone that honestly doesn't even have to care because I haven't really told her everything and complained to her like everyone else but she went out of her probably busy life to say a few nice things to me and that honestly means so much to me. I really needed to know that someone cares and she showed me that which helped so much.
I'm really trying to get over all my problems that I have with myself and become a happier person. The first step I'm taking to do that is get my hair cut tomorrow (and maybe dyed, I'm a little bit nervous about that part) I'm not quite sure what to do with it so suggestions would help but I doubt anyone will give me any. I feel like cutting my hair will be like "relieving myself of a weight I have been dragging around." Hopefully this will be a good first step into becoming happy again.. that's all I really want right now.

self confidence

I think I have self confidence problems. I never think highly of myself, actually I usually think exactly the opposite. I never feel like I'm good enough for anything and constantly put myself down. I'm always told to try to work on it but thats not an easy task. I don't even remember why I first started having a low self confidence but I have always had one. I guess the thing that I'm the most self concious about is my weight. I really truly think that I am a fat pig. Probably because that is actually what I look like, or that is the impression I have of myself. Others say that is not true but iknow that it is. I really wish that I had the courage to become anorexic or something of the sort but something in me won't let me bring myself to do it. I wish I could but I just can't. I think I'm going to go on weight watchers. I don't think that I am going to tell my friends if I do because I always get comments made when I say something like that and people get mad at me. They just don't understand what it feels like to feel horrible about yourself everyday I guess. I really just want to be 105 pounds. That isn't bad for someone that is 5'3 3/4" tall. I have this obsession that I have to become that weight. I guess I just want to be perfect, one thing that I have never been close to accomplishing.

don't know what to do

I don't really know how this thing works. I just need somewhere to put all my feelings because I don't know who I can actually talk to about any of my problems. I don't know who actually likes me and who doesn't care about me and that isn't really something you can just ask.
I just feel like shit about myself. I don't really even know what to do with my life anymore. I'm always upset and I'll just get into these states where I can' t think one good thing about myself. This usually comes from a problem with my friends or a guy. The guy part is probably why I'm so upset right now, because I actually thought that he liked me and now I see how wrong I really was. Maybe he was just using me, maybe not, I'll never know. Maybe he was just taking advantage of me. Part of me feels like that isn't such a bad guess but I honestly don't know. I feel like no one understands even though that sounds ridiculous. Of course they understand, I'm sure it has happened to all of them too. I don't know something just doesn't feel the same about this. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I really am just too ugly, fat, dumb, or mean. I really don't want to be any of those things but I guess the mean thing I can't really help. I truly try to be nice but it doesn't always work out how I want it to. And I truly can't trust anyones opinions about these topics because they have to say something nice because they are my friends. Sometimes you have to say stuff because otherwise you will truly hurt peoples feelings. Half the time I don't tell people my real feelings because I'm afraid of people judging me or just the fact that I might truly hurt them. I would never intentionally try to hurt someones feelings but I know that I do all the time.